Heavens to Murgatroyd, Ron Artest can't dance under any name, and he proved it on tonight's season premeire of "Dancing with the Stars."

Even though he changed his name last week to Metta World Peace, DWTS host Tom Bergeron made a point of saying Artest would be dancing under his original name. And there's little chance Artest will be changing his name to Gregory Hines in the future.

Dancing the cha cha cha, Artest, sporting blonde hair with a blonde beard, moved with all the grace and agility of a person who just had a double hip replacement, earning a paltry 14 points from the judges. Artest's partner, Peta Murgatroyd, did all she could, but it was like trying to put Pavarotti in a wetsuit. A lot of effort that got her nowhere.

Fellow Lakers forward Lamar Odom was cheering him on from the audience, and if ABC has any brains at all, they will track down Mark Madsen and fly him in to give Artest a few tips on dancing.

That is, if Artest makes it past Tuesday's elimination.

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-- Houston Mitchell

Photo: Ron Artest. Credit: Associated Press.