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Assigning 'Jersey Shore' nicknames to the Lakers

October 21, 2010 | 12:41 pm


The "Jersey Shore" season finale airs Thursday night, but I'm not watching it. I already have a built-in excuse not to, given that the Lakers play Golden State in a 7 p.m. exhibition game in San Diego. But I'd also like to abstain from watching MTV's hit reality TV show so I can salvage any shred of dignity and intelligence I have left, which, as I'm sure many of you will point out, isn't much. Still, I'll admit I've caught enough episodes to know that the show features ridiculous names, such as The Situation and J-Wowww.

Many members of the cast appeared at a Lakers game last season, acting like they owned the joint and forgetting that there are plenty of celebrities on hand every night at Staples Center. Should the "Jersey Shore" crowd return for another game, here's how I imagine they would address the Lakers players (as predicted by a "Jersey Shore" name generator).

Ron Artest: R-Muscle

Matt Barnes: The Blowout

Steve Blake: The Hands Team

Shannon Brown: The Operation

Kobe Bryant: The Condition

Andrew Bynum: The Tricep

Derrick Caracter: The Body

Devin Ebanks: The Impact

Derek Fisher: Hard Hat

Pau Gasol: The Tan-talizer

Lamar Odom: L-Train

Theo Ratliff: Juice Box

Luke Walton: The Backup

Sasha Vujacic: The Prince of Paramus

-- Mark Medina (M-Gel)

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Photo: "Jersey Shore" cast members. Credit: Mario Anzuoni / Reuters